Hasn't the time come to take stock?
As you know, if you have been reading me for a long time, I like to take stock. What better way to do this than to take advantage of the end of 2021 to do one for you?
Over the last few years, with the writing of this blog, I have given myself the gift of taking the time to express, to say, to analyse (and sometimes not) the few trials I have had to go through with HIV.
Obviously, when I started telling my story, I didn't live it with this awareness, but more as an emergency to get out of the oppression imposed on me by our society and that I imposed on myself too. I saved my life, and I weigh my words.
A lot has happened in three years. More and more people are speaking out, especially on social networks. The experiences of living with HIV are all unique and I think it is important to make this diversity visible.
The project I have been running with my employer to raise awareness about serophobia, among other things in the workplace, is a real achievement for me. As you know, as I wrote in a previous story, I never felt satisfied with keeping the JOURNAL POSITIF, with making myself visible. It was self-evident to me. However, yes, this project with the GLOBAL STEWARDS (a Timberland initiative) fills me with pride because it is the result of many months of collective work, and I really believe that I have pushed my own and my employer's limits by initiating this subject internally (and on a European scale). I don't know if there will be a follow-up to this introduction of HIV/AIDS with Timberland, but in any case a door has been opened.
Another project, which I will probably be very proud of when it becomes more concrete, is the release of the book, which is planned for the last quarter of 2022. With this one I am fulfilling a dream, but not only that. I fought for it. I didn't stop at the rejections, at the famous "HIV is no longer fashionable". On the contrary, all these NOs gave me the energy and the stubbornness not to give up. I am personally challenged on my impatience with the book's release, but that is what will most certainly make it even more exceptional.
You see, 2022 is going to be full of surprises.
I am asking myself a lot about what I am going to do next. I find that what stimulates me most today are collaborations, sharing with others, passionate exchanges, group achievements and accomplishments. I would like to get involved in other ways.
Is it with an association? Is it to support the fight against serophobia?
Not necessarily: other desires are being expressed today but what links them all is that they are turned towards others. I will obviously keep you informed when I have found my answers.
Time, giving your time, my time. Time is precious.
When I was in analysis (and yes, that's over for now), I realised how much I needed to take time, and that I needed to be given time too. For me, it's the most important proof of love that one can offer.
I didn't realise this at all until "time" came up in my dreams and my therapist simply said to me: "What does that mean to you? Time?".
Given the power with which this phrase shook me at the time, I think it was time to ask the question.
Taking time for myself, for example, has become essential for my balance. And I can tell you that I fought for that too. My departure from Paris in 2018 was guided by this need to find myself, and I could only do so by getting away from the hustle and bustle of the capital. The confinements managed to anchor this need in my routine.
Then there is the time you make available for the people you love, and this resulted in cleaning up my life. When I realised the value I gave to time, I could no longer waste it. So yes, I found myself without any party mates overnight, but I chose to, so it's all good. Being consistent: that was the lesson of 2020.
2021 was a different story. It started confined with the Covid, then with a separation, to finally find each other, move together to the countryside, unite by the sacred bonds of the the civil partnership... It was a year where I was able to put in place all the tools I had discovered in analysis, and then above all to apply myself to being happy: FINALLY.
I'm not saying that there were no trials, but I got through them without losing any feathers, without hurting myself, and that's a victory. I would even go so far as to say that it gives you confidence in yourself and in the future.
2022 will inevitably be a continuation of this dynamic and I'm looking forward to it. After the traumas, and their awareness, there was a form of withdrawal, obviously for protection. The time has come to reopen myself to others and better. This is the best way I think to use the time I have left.